The Holiday

Merry Day after Christmas. I’ve discovered that this is also now known as Unpackage and Assemble Day here at our house. Since the kids were up, I’ve been unwrapping, assembling, and played a rigorous two round game of Sorry! with the 6 year old. She has a sneaky way of playing, sometimes. Just saying.

We had a seriously wonderful holiday. Best ever, to be honest. It still feels like it’s  going, with our house full of toys and wrapping and the fact that my breakfast consisted of Tadberries (my Grandma’s best favorite most awesome cookie ever).     We had Christmas Eve at my Grandma’s house, the ‘fancy’ Grandma’s house, and I’m always nervous when we bring the girls over there because I’m scared they will tear her fancy house apart. There I go, underestimating our brood again, because they were awesome. They were so nice and funny and sweet and when their presents were opened, they were opened and they didn’t make a peep about wanting for more. It made me proud. I know how hard it can be as a kid to have control when it comes to a holiday in which they are showered with gift after gift. Once they’re on a roll and the present train ends, there’s always a moment of ‘but waitttttt….morrrre!’

After an ill-fated trip to Wal-Mart (don’t ask. Don’t. Ask.) we ended up going home while the kids had Christmas with their other moms and we cleaned house and prepared for the girls’ arrival on the most exciting night of the year!

The girls came home, and we ended up having a four mom social hour before the kids (way past their bedtime) tucked in for a long winter’s nap. But, let’s be real here, it was not long. Stella woke up before Lucie is a shocking turn of events and came creeping to our bedside at 6:22 am. Santa came and left chocolate mice (I was really too excited at the creepy idea of chocolate mice…I mean, how weird, right?) amongst other goodies and fun stuff.

We spent the day playing with toys and battling against colds, but the girls were little champions. We went to do some filming and visiting at good family friends’ house and we had a ball. The little girls were well entertained by friends while we got some work done, before we headed over to Auntie Pam’s house for Neese family festivities. It was filled with fun and family and gifts for all and heaps of holiday foods and treats and tons of little girls! There were five little blonde kids running around causing serious hijinks.

Towards the end of the party, Grandma discovered she lost her wedding ring in all of the hullabaloo. Major buzzkill. The kids were getting sleepy so we had to bolt, but Grandma was really sad about this.

Just a little bit ago, Stella was digging through gift bags that were set to go in the Misc. Things We’ll Forget About Closet and as she started pilfering through a bag of tinsel when DING! I heard the clink of metal ding off the table. It was Grandma’s wedding ring! It was a Christmas Miracle! Stella and her naughtiness saved the day! Way to go Stella!

Well, that brings us up until this moment. Grandma’s on her way over to get it, the kids are getting way too bombastic to keep in the house all day, and we’re leaving to do some fun stuff to be determined.

Hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas

Cheers and Santa…

Oh my gosh, you guys. Between all of my preparing for Christmas, thinking about Christmas, doing Christmas-y things…I feel like it already happened!

Today, on the eve of the eve, I’m sitting here with that day after Christmas feeling. Weird!

I know that’ll change as soon as we pull up to Grandma’s and see the girls in their Christmas dresses and pack up the car with presents. When the kids set out cookies for Santa, and then wake up all cute. When we arrive at a close family friend’s (or friends’? since they’re sisters? multiple friends, one family? I’ve over thought this…) for a little holiday cheer. Then, finally, pulling up to auntie’s house for a weird family Christmas. It’ll be wonderful, I just know it!

But, for today, I’m relying on the kids, and our festive friends to get me into the spirit.

There’s a big debate on FB going about Santa Claus and if it’s right to tell kids about him, when we want to teach our kids to be honest to us. I am of two minds about this. Honestly, since I’ve had kids my opinions have changed a little on this. I’ve always really liked the idea of Santa…the magic of it. But since having kids, they don’t really seem to care about it. In fact, they don’t even talk about it or seem to care that Santa comes on Christmas Eve. They just like waking up to presents under the tree and full stockings. Now, this is probably weirdly gay and political, but I take a little issue with the idea of being a lesbian family and this weird old dude in a red suit coming into our house to gift our children with gifts. Wow, I surprised myself with that, and had to check to make sure I didn’t have Birkenstocks on. Hm. This is an idea I need to think on a little more.

Til then…happy cheery day, and be nice to everyone you meet!

Clarity, and a List

You know what’s weird? And distracting? Thinking about writing all the time. Constantly. Starting and ending stories, articles, blogs, letters to people you’ll never send. What’s even more annoying is that when I sit down to write them, they all jumble together and instantly feel overwhelmed and I close my computer and walk away.

I’ve been in a nasty habit of this lately…teeming with ideas but not enough concentration to get it out. I’ve gone off my pain killers, in a non-related but sort of, train of thought. I realized the other day because of my spondy (which reminds me…cute kid story) I’ve been on a pain killer for almost exactly a year. It was around a year ago I hobbled in to urgent care wondering why I couldn’t walk. I don’t want to be that girl who is on pain killers constantly. If I may be so candid, they f*cked with me. It made my brain blurry, and some of my emotional responses weren’t, well, emotional. I started to count on them to get through my day, because I was so scared of being in pain that I would take them at the mere thought that pain was coming on. This is so not a rad part of my life, but it’s the truth. At the beginning of this journey I was often in so much pain my leg would literally rotate inwards and have a very limited range of motion. Sometimes it would completely go out and the piercing pain would cause me to fall. It sort of makes me want to cry thinking about it, honestly, and this is most definitely not the way I saw this blog going. There was one time, I had been in so much pain that in one day, I had to take 8 Vicodin. EIGHT. And I was still in crippling pain, so much so that Melany and I wondered if I should get on disability because the thought of standing at a job was just, not even fathomable.

Since then, I’ve completely changed my life around. I stretch every day, and wear heels only on really special occasions, and I’ve discovered the serious miracle that chiropractic care is. I haven’t woke up with pain for about a week. I feel like KT and the Sunshine Band. I literally felt like my high school self the other day…my spine felt long and tall, I had not even a whisper of pain and my neck didn’t carry all of the stress that it usually does.

I want my inspiration back, though. I want to think super clearly and be happy. So, I’m giving a go at no pain killers. I’m hoping that those stories start to be written.

So, in light of this hopeful post, I’d like to write a top ten list of things I love right now…and it’s all good!

1 – Melany, Stella, Lucie. My sweethearts and loves, the suns in my sky. Oh, cute kid story, the other night I had finished singing the 80th Christmas carol to Stella and she was snuggled in bed when out of nowhere she asked “How’s your spondylitis? It’s better I hope.” How thoughtful is this kid? Tomorrow morning she has her African Dance show at school and I can’t wait to see them and spend this weekend Christmas-ing it up!

2 – Home dates with Melany. We’ve been loving on the Folly pack (the winter sampler from Fat Tire), and watching episodes of Moonshining and Stephen Fry’s America. It makes us feel happy that we’re filming another movie and can’t wait to get back on the road ourselves.

3. The Amy Grant Christmas album. Yes! Best version of Rockin Around the Christmas Tree, evs.

4. Super awesome feature we’ve been assigned (screams like a high school girl)

5. Candy Cane Bonne Bell

6. Florence and the Machine, Ceremonials. “And the grass was so green against my new clothes, And I did cartwheels in your honor, danced barefoot in my own secret ceremonials while the silence began…” LOVE THIS ALBUM SO MUCH. I’ve been burning it for everyone.

7. Thinking about Christmas morning and the little girls in their pajamas tip-toeing out with sleepy puffy cute faces to look in their stockings.

8. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

9. My family, though often overbearing, are kind and loving to my family.

10. Lime and cherry jelly wreaths. I really hope my mom brings them to Christmas.

We’re on to something

Oh Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Upon cleaning out my other email inbox, I stumbled upon an email from Spin talking about the YYY recent benefit concert and I read it. Then I maniacally scrambled to listen to It’s Blitz! for the first time in years.

Now, I don’t really talk about touring much, and though I loved it at the time, (minus the driving related panic attacks) I don’t really wax poetic on the virtues of  Super 8 hotel floors, vodka breakfasts and daily 12 hour drives. NOW, that’s just saying that it wasn’t for me. I mean, at the time it was, but it became more clear to me that my friendships with these girls were more important to me than touring and being unhappy, and in turn making them unhappy because I wasn’t doing a good job anymore.

Whew. Anyway. But, I did love it for a bit, and I will always have a special place in my heart for the first East and West coast tours…we were on the verge of something. There was an energy behind these tours that was so…big. We were just starting out as a traveling family and it was fun. So fun. I met so many rad people, got to see so many great places and (in a following tour) met the love of my life because of this band. People to this day add me on Facebook because of the band, which is sort of weird and sort of cool and people message me on the regular saying things like “OMG you tour managed! You’re so lucky!” Ha.

But, my point of all of this. So, on the first couple of tours, we listened to It’s Blitz! constantly. Driving, after shows in hotel parking lots, in rain storms, in the blaring sun, while driving through Manhattan and driving through the corn fields of middle America. It was our soundtrack to a very exciting time.

Fast forward like, 3 years and here I am. Life is very different. I have a beautifulamazingfuckingawesome family. A woman I plan on calling my wife. I’m writing for a magazine, I’ve completed a movie and am working on another one. Things are crazy but good. I don’t take shots anymore (or, maybe once a month I’ll choke down some Captain on my way out of a friend’s party (not driving, btw)…Molly, Sharon, Halloween, I’m looking at you). I wake up early on my days off and watch The Electric Company instead of SVU.

But, the common thread here is that I feel the same sense of something big looming in the distance that I felt then. Things have been hard, lately, no doubt about that, but something has shifted in the last three days and I feel it. Something is coming, and it is good. Something we’ve been working hard towards. I can’t wait to find out what it is. And this time, it will be mine, and for that I am really proud.

On a weird sidenote, last night Melany and I were watching Stephen Fry’s America (amazing miniseries, btw) and there was this part where he was touring the body farm (creepy, right?) but it’s this place where some bodies are donated to do research on to help further forensic science and it’s actually a really good cause, but creepy nonetheless. We’ve had a string of lights out on our tree for a long time, but during that segment they randomly turned on, and when it was over, they turned off again. It was weird, but pretty.

My sleep was filled with weird dreams, of that nature. There were some hefty guiding forces in my dreams and some interesting (good) energies. Then the other night during sweet Christmas time, Stella started asking us about angels, and if they are real.

And you know what? I think they are. This world is surrounded by spiritual forces. Too many weird things have happened to me for me not to believe it, but you know, I think that they are good. Little winks from spiritual realm saying “hey, you’re on to something” (as was the case with BI2P) and “we’re looking out for you”.

Now I probably sound bananas, but I don’t know. There’s a lot of good, mischievous energy around right now, and I like it.

We’re on to something. I can’t wait to see what it is!

 

All is calm, all is bright…

There’s a lot of pressure to celebrate Christmas. To buy a billion presents, to go skating, to watch all of the movies, to make every variety of Christmas cookie. You know, to go the whole 9 yards, otherwise you’ll feel like December 26th will come and you’ll be a depressed pile of tears listening at midnight when Christmas music changes back to regular programming on the radio and instantly Valentine Day junk is covering the shelves while beautiful tinfoil Santas sit sadly in the discount bin.

Or is that just me?

Anyway. I put a LOT of pressure on myself to be all Christmasy and make sure that I’m ‘celebrating’ the right way, and when I don’t because well, I have other more pressing priorities I fear that I’m not enjoying this special season enough.

Then came the Dave Matthews Band Christmas song on the 1999 (or 98? or 2000?) Platinum Christmas album (I know, I know) and a quiet drive around Lake of the Isles on my way home tonight. It’s in these quiet moments, seeing the warmth of the lights on almost every house and reflecting on my day that I realize that Christmas is all around.

I spend my whole day wrapping presents for shoppers at the Fig, and I love it. Today I had my first two crabby ladies ever at that job, but aside from them, I really enjoy helping people. I specially package people’s balsamics, I help them pick out specialized presents for their foodie sons in New York, for their daughters in college, for the their neighbors. I try really hard to have patience when my feet hurt really bad and I’m making a personalized truffle box, I make conversation with the little kids who are superbored with parents frantically shopping. And I realized that unless I’m gossiping with coworkers or talking to a customer, I’m humming along with the Christmas-sy soundtrack almost all day.

Our girls have no shortage of Christmas cheer and every morning have been waking up asking how many sleeps til Santa. They already had one of their Christmas celebrations and they are really ready for more. Ha. I just realized today, that though making the holiday special is really wonderful for kids, it’s almost more meaningful to do so for adults. We are jaded and tired and mostly crabby. Responsibilities will do that to ya. So, I’m working hard on acting with kindness to everyone I encounter. Not just at work and home, but everywhere I go. Have more patience with people, because we don’t know where they are coming from and that extra sweetness and grace may go a long way. Melany and I have a motto that we can’t be too kind or too earnest…going into any situation it’s better to be nice than a dick. I mean, obviously, right?

This can, and should, extend beyond the holidays. And though the movies and ice skating and decorations are fun, and let’s be real here, the icing on the cake of a magical time of year, the meat and potatoes of this holiday is the innocent love and hope of people. A light in the dark, grace through turmoil, love through hate.

A hope for goodness and light.

Last weekend we had Friendsmas and without launching into my typical diatribe of ‘awesome friends blahblahblah’, I will just say that I am so fucking blessed to have the most talented, beautiful, hilarious and amazing people in my life. They make me laugh, make me proud, make me humble and inspire me all the time. We dressed up, had cocktails, yummy food, played games, got rowdy, had a ball and had a Friendsmas to remember. That’s the stuff that holidays are made of!

And on a final note, working has really made me feel thankful for the time I spend with Melany and the kids. I never want to admit that I took that time for granted, but sometimes I think I did. Now, I just hang on every one of their words and want to read with them and laugh with them and just generally bug them constantly. After dinner tonight, M was working in the other room and Stella and I had had enough of morbid Bible stories, so we turned off all of the lights in the front part of the house and sat next to the Christmas tree and looked at the lights. We sang along with A Very She and Him Christmas and listened to Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree 80 times because she laughed maniacally every time M. Ward played a solo on the Telecaster. It was sweet and special and we lied on our tummies and held hands, then Mommy came out and the three of us just took in a sweet moment together.

Another example of how, in the quiet moments, we really see the good stuff life has to offer.

Things are (hopefullyknockonwood) looking up. Some fantastic irons on the fire.

Deck the halls, people, deck the halls.

emails and inspirations

Today I am spending the earlier portion of my day cleaning out my inbox. I do this fairly frequently but life has gotten in the way of life and today I am hunkering down, on my third cup of coffee and organizing the shit of out of this beast.

It’s been an interesting ride. Emails between friends, talking about being a new parent, emails between my girl and me when I was a new stay-at-home parent and she was swamped in a job that was crazy intense. Emails from when we first thought of our crazy idea Bring It 2 Peter. The email she sent me when she first suggested we do it as a short documentary, and the general doubt and hilarity that followed.

We were convinced the universe was telling us not to do this project. That it was going to be a failure and all of the stress and hard work wasn’t worth it.

Pan to a year and two awards later, and we’re just getting started. The festival season for this year is over, and we’re just sitting in this totally uncomfortable place just biding time until the new season starts up. I’ve been having a hard time remembering our blessings lately, which is hard because I’m usually a beam of Christmas spirit. This year, however, has been harder. We’ve had some family conflicts, we’ve fallen victim to this terrible economy and job security seems like a  term only used in a utopian otherworld. Problems with Stella’s school and financial troubles have taken precidence over plowing ahead with goals and dreams and life has gotten in the way of, well, life.

These emails are reminding me that this too shall pass. We are dreamers, we are believers and we are so motivated that we will accept nothing less than success and fulfillment. I struggle with the teeter-totter of wanting for more money and professional stability and the knowledge that if I sacrificed my passions and goals I could just get a job in a trade, banker, teacher, insurance salesman, whatever, and be stable. But I wouldn’t be happy. I don’t want to just make money to live a simple life. That’s not me, nor has it ever been me. Or Melany.

We have a hunger for creation, to tell stories, to inspire people. That includes our children. We want them to have experiences. To grow into cultured women who have an awareness of the world around them because they’ve swam in the ocean, been to National parks, language camps, seen petroglyphs in the desert, met successful and inspiring people and they will know, because we live that example, that nothing is impossible and they can be whatever they want to be and we will facilitate their success.

So, now, in this time of struggle, I remember that I’ve been here before. I’ve doubted everything I was doing and was sure that my work was going unrecognized. In that time, I was lost and confused and unsure of myself. And in the end, we’re just beginning. We created something that speaks to people and makes people laugh and they see that humanity and hope and passion persevere.

This too shall pass, and we will have something wonderful to show for it.

Maybe that’s a glimmer of the holiday spirit I’ve been lacking.

Catch Up.

Dude, sh*t’s been NUTS lately.

Life is getting really busy and whirlwindy and not necessarily all in good ways. This month has been a blur. Some good, most stressful and generally working on staying afloat.

New job is going well, I really love it actually. It’s calm, fun, festive and it’s nice to get out of the house sometimes and feel like I’m making a difference in our family. There’s a major sense of accomplishment that comes with coming home, seeing our adorable girls run to the door screaming and jumping and clinging to my legs and my beautiful girl smiling sweetly coming behind the little girls for a hug and kiss hello. I love my family.

After the film festival, we’ve been sort of recovering and planning for the holidays and getting life organized which has meant taking a break from our other projects. It’s hard when your other projects will lead to more career momentum and in turn, some financial influx but you can’t find the time to work on it. That’s the most frustrating thing of all, right now! I wish we could enjoy the holidays more, honestly, but ‘life’ stuff, like the dumb phone bill, car insurance life stuff keeps getting in the way.

I’m not being a debby downer, I promise. I’m refusing to let the man get me down, and I’m plowing through this season of struggle with perseverance and the hope that there is a reason for these struggles.

We started chiropractic care last night, in an effort to more effectively manage my spondylitis and hopefully lead to less reliance on pain medicine and my first appointment was amazing! My parents were always really anti-chiro and I’m not entirely sure why. This lead to my general fear and anxiety about it. Melany is a major pro chiro enthusiast and after my first appointment I was a total convert! I felt like 6 feet tall, and I felt like myself again and it was awesome.

On the way home, totally high on life and feeling good (fragile, but good) we were stopped on Hennepin outside of the Walker and all of a sudden we got slammed into from behind. I was sure our trunk was smashed in. Thankfully, it wasn’t and the woman who ran into us was nice and cooperative. Either way, it wasn’t exactly the way we wanted to spend our evening.

I am excited for this weekend of friends and calm to catch up on projects, wrapping Christmas presents and heck, planning more Christmas gifts on a super budget.

Alright. Now blogging seems nuts, too much to do.

Happy week before Christmas!